Little by Little I Understand More

  The day which we fear as our last is but the birthday of eternity. ~Seneca

You probably noticed that my posts have been sporadic. My mother became sick the end of November and she has been battling for her life ever since.  It hasn't left me with much writing time unfortunately. My Mom is 86 and is a great Mom.  She is now in palliative care in the final stages of congestive heart failure.  My Dad died suddenly, unexpected, shockingly one Monday morning in May of a massive heart attack.  I was in shock for months and grieved, I still grieve.  However, I also celebrate a life that was lived well. What has shocked me is how different this experience with Mom has been.  I have cried so many tears that really I'm not sure my heart can stand much more.  Why?  Why is this hitting me so much harder than my father?  I loved them both the same.  I didn't want to lose either one.  Why so different then? I think I have figured it out.  When my mother is gone I will no longer have a mother and a father on this earth.  The part of my make up that is called daughter will forever alter. A part of what makes me a woman - that I am someone's daughter- will cease to exist as I've known it.  I didn't realize how much this will impact me.  Now before you comment and tell me I have a heavenly Father..oh how I am blessed to know this.  I know that out of this I will have no choice but to deepen that relationship with God and truly become His daughter and act with Him as I acted with my earthly parents yet I still grieve.  Today I thought of those dear children in the world who are males and females, boys and girls but can not call themselves sons or daughters.  They are grieving for what they have never had or felt and I am grieving for what I am about to lose.

Comments

[Jocelyn]

Very well written Julie. Hugs and prays to you.

Since my sister passed in the fall I feel like part of my history was cut off and taken. I can no longer say that I have two olders sisters with out saying one is gone.

I often think how lucky I am as I had her for a sister and there are so many children who don't have families.

[Kathy Friend.com]

Julie, I don't have words...only prayers for you.